Ya he dejado que se empañe la ilusiòn que vivir es indoloro

 

-Jorge Drexler

I wish I had felt like writing lately. That’s at least an outlet. Now I’m just keeping it all inside.

Reminiscing about a long-gone Future

The future is such a slippery concept. I reckon that’s what makes life interesting. However, I’m tired of thinking only about the future. I feel like for the past three years, ever since I graduated high school, I haven’t been able to focus solely on the present, and that because I’ve been having to worry about the future so much, I haven’t enjoyed the present as much as I should have. 

Ive had my experiences, my adventures, my memories. And if I were to write down a chronicle of my life for the past three years, with all its ups and downs, it actually looks fairly enviable. A stint in switzerland with a swiss boyfriend, living on my own in France for two years with a boyfriend for 3/4 of that time, romantic trips to Paris, epic trip to Rome, Istanbul and Athens, flying to Norway, to the US, visiting friends in Miami, celebrating my birthdays in France and Italy, summer vacations in Nicaragua. I’ve fallen in love, I’ve broken up. I’ve had flings and one night stands and lovers and friends, soulmates and acquaintances, come and go. I’ve partied in European capitals, I’ve kissed a lover under the Eiffel Tower, I’ve ridden on the back of a lover’s motorcycle through the streets of switzerland. Tasted fine foods and drank expensive wines, and I’ve spent nights in the cheapest hostels. I’ve been surrounded by friends…and I’ve spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, alone, in France. I’ve made love, I’ve had my heart broken, and I’ve broken hearts. I’ve cheated and been cheated on. Lied and been lied to. And every step of the way, I’ve been losing myself and who I am. 

There is so much that hasn’t been told, and if it has, it’s been told in pieces, it’s been fragmented, and after some time, it’s been forgetten, left aside, and the feelings have been mitigated. No matter how hard I try to hold on, it’s impossible. Happiness is such a fleeting feeling for me. I wish I knew how to hold on to it for longer, how to remember more. 

I’ve been nostalgic for switzerland lately. The nights I spent in Lausanne had such a deep impact on who I am today that I suspect I still don’t know the full depth of it, I still haven’t even seen the bottom. Jaded, is the word I can think of that describes it the best. Jaded about love, about human generosity and character, jaded about life. 

For weeks at a time, I spent my nights chain smoking on the windowsill of a dorm room, smiling at how great life was, with Lac Leman, the “geneva” lake, sparkling below me in the bright moonlight, the crisp autumn air blowing through my hair three stories up, knowing that I was headed for greatness and that I had the best boyfriend I could have dreamt of by my side. I was on top of the world. Back then, not only did I not know what failure was, I was sure I wasn’t even capable of it. I had never even so much as had a stumble in my life; I was invincible. The past two years have taught me what failure is. They have taught me that I am not invincible, that I am not untouchable. They have taught me what failure feels like. What I haven’t learned yet is how to come to terms with it and more importantly, how to rise above it and fix what I have done wrong. 

Now almost every day it just feels like my world has crashed down around me. I don’t know what I want anymore, and I used to be so sure. I don’t know what I’m capable of, and what I’m not. I don’t know how to fix what I’ve broken, how to get myself out of this mess, and mostly, I’m deathly scared of having to live with the consequences. Because every decision I make right now, will stretch far into a future that, once bright and shining, is now nothing short of daunting and fearsome.

You either save yourself, or remain unsaved

 

-Alice Sebold

Letter From Him to Barbara

To my beloved mademoiselle barbara, 

How long has it been since ive heard word from you? Last time I wrote was easily a couple of months ago, though I reckon im not too sure. Given the awkward transitional period my family is going through, and the fact that a year of long distance has had quite the psychological effect on me, I guess its not surprising that this past year now seems like a dream. I know there was a period where I dissapeared, right about the time you told me you were going back to Europe. I hope you made it, and it is everything you were hoping it would be. I cant remember where exactly, but I beileve you told me you were going to the netherlands? Prague originally, but then things changed right? Things are always changing. At least that I have finally learned. 

I got my nomination to go back and teach our beautiful language to little fwench kids. Ill be back in Lyno, where I was studying abroad earlier. It has been a long, drawn out process, and it escapes me how the french deem it acceptable to notify someone of a job a mere month before htey are supposed to purchase a plane ticket. I suppose Ill have to add that ot my to do list. 

I would like very much to visit you, whereever you are. It has been a long time, and when we parted ways, I promised myself that wouldnt be the last time we saw eachother. I still have the picture oyu gifted to me. its in a frame, next to that lovely picture of us shooting absinth at whatever ridiculous hour in the morning. those were amazing times. thank god for the pictures, or else I might begin to doubt that those times ever really happened. I thought about selling the drawing on ebay for the easy millions it could make, but decided against it due to sentimental reasons. Or maybe im just waiting for it to go up in value even more? =P 

Its funny. ever since I got back from France, ive never really had a “person”. For the longest time I always considered my highschool crush my best friend, and there was a time when considered me the same. since then, though, weve kind of gone our separate ways. Shes stills tuck on picking up bad guy after bad gyu after bad guy, while Ive kind of moved past that phase in my life. I managed to make things work with my girlfriend throughout the year, although, I wonder, to what end? Im actually in Nicaragua at the moment, staying with her family and studying spanish. Were going to be back in France next year, well, in a bout a month, but after that, nothing is certain. School is really hard for her, considering hes doing it in her third language, and the french system is designed to fail about sixty percent of the students. Not that bad of a thing when youre living with yoru family in France paying 200 euros a year. A very bad thign when your family comes from a third world country and is paying for an appt year round. I fear, if things take a turn for the worse, we may have to marry sooner than what would be natural, just to be able to stay together. I dont fear marriage, especially not with her. But I do fear getting married for a utility purpose. Im afraid what that woudl mean for the future. And im afraid of being wrong. 

This past year has been so weird for me. Despite my best efforts, I do believe I became somewhat of a hermit. I lived by mself in a two bedroom appt. I didnt eat very much. I drank and smoked quite a bit. I fell out of touch with all my friends save for a select few. My grades were better than they had ever been before, and i finished school with high honors. Yet, not happily. Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake to do the long distance with her. Of course, the next moment I spend with her, that doubt is completely dismissed. I think its just that my life has been up in the air, completely without any sort of foundation or roots, for much too long. This past year of my life hung on a dream, the deam that the two of us would be able to get through the year and reunite in France. We made it that far, and i think that is inherently worth something in itself. But what cost is too costly, if I am forced to decide again. One of our options, if France didnt work out, was to stay long distance for 1-4 years. 4 years…thats nearly 1/5 of my total age. I dont think I could do that; I think I would try…and every time I get to that point of hinking im afraid to go further. I think I need to find someone to talk to again. Maybe, subcosnciously, Im hoping that person was you. Who knows, life is crazy, and Im a rambling fool right now. 

I reckon youre much too busy for the kid who fell for the professor-to-be once upon a time. You know, having more of your own adventures, where they take you. If you do find the time to drop me a line though, I would really appreciate it. I really am sorry for dissapearing like I did. Not that its any excuse, but trust me when I tell you that youre not the only one ive let down this year. I hope your days are passing fabulously, and life is providing everything youve ever wanted from it. Until we meet again. 

Votre chérie, 

Jean-Pierre

Letter From Him to a Friend II

Hey sab,

thank you so much for taking my inquiry seriously. Dont have a whole lot of other people to talk to right now. We were supposed to have another two years together before having to decide all this, but theres a chance her school sitation in France might not work out, so Im trying to figure out our options. Lots of mixed feelings, as im sure you can understand.

You made some real good points. We actually did live together for 6 months back in France. Things were really rough with my host family an I just sorta started living there. We havent had to support ourselves yet, and theres no doubt in my mind that money can make things difficult. A part from that thoough,; living with her was absolutely a blast. Im sure that euphoria fades after a while, and according to my journal from last year it did, but overall it was much more fulfilling than living alone. Our conflict managment is the kind ive only thought possible between guys. 

Basically, shes the first girl ive ever been with that is less like keeping a pet with tits and more like having a partenr in life. Being with her has made me realize that every girlfriend ive had in the past has basically been me taking her of care. I didnt know until I met melissa that its nice to be taken care of too, and now that I know what thats like, I dont think I could go back to how things were with the girls of the past.

So i suppose thats enough of the mushy stuff. The thought of marrying her isnt something that has come up out of lust or desperation. Id bet everything I have that well end up together eventually, somewhere down the road. Or at least we def would if long distance isnt involved. I dont know how much long distanceyou had to do with Dorel, but we had/have been long distance for over a year, and at this point it no longer feels like an option. Its so painful and destructive to a relationship, no matter the efforts both parties take. Her parents dont make it any easier either, nor does the fact that she is smart enough to deserve a college education, and if she were to come to the states, we would either have to drown in debt getting her loans or wait until I get out of law school before she starts. Her parents would never support the idea of us getting married just so we could be together, and thus most likely wouldnt support another one of her “crazy” expeditions into foreign countries. What is more, Nicaragua isnt like the states or western europe, where i could quite comfortably make a life doing whatever. Down here, money is tough, if not impossible to come by, and credentials dont count for n early as much as connections and solid networking. Basically; I wouldnt have the mobility needed to make a solid, independent life for us here, and im not sure hoe feasible ti would be to spend 3 years of my life down here, living with her parents while twiddling my thumbs.

Now that its all over and done with, are you till glad you married him? Was it worth it, to get married because you had to versus waiting for a moment that might have been more natural for both of you? I guess im asking you a bunch of questions that are impossible to answer, considering where you are in life is where you are. So instead of asking you something ridiculous like do you wish you were still single, what would you recommend me to do? Is getting married prematurely in order to be together worth it, even if the ensuing life is ultimately harder than if I had found someone a bit “closer to home” ? Am I absolutely crazy for even considering this? I wasnt even supposed to consider marriage until 30. But i dont reckon ill ever find another girl liek this. When Im with her, life is just better. Much muc better. things just make sense, the future doesnt scare me, and for the first time in my entire life, I dont feel alone in the world. I cant help but believe that my mind is in the right place. Perhaps a bit naive, but still true to what I hold dear. I suppose we tell ourselves what we must to make sense of the folly that is life. Hopefully youll be able to understand where im coming from. Im sure you will. thanks for listening sab. Hope all is well =P

******

You are right, long distance is very destructive, or, at the very least, hurtful. Both of us were an absolute wreck when we had to separate. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-dramatize things, but when a 28-year-old man is also breaking down into tears and pieces and banging his head against the wall because he has to let go of me, …or when this person, who right from before he even kissed me told me that he could NEVER do long distance soon found himself moving his bed into his living-room just so he can go to sleep with me (webcam and mic and all) and wake up the same way….then I don’t know how much is just me, the dreamer, overly dramatizing things…and how much is just…how love goes. :)

We went through a bunch of mixed feelings too, and our parents did not make it one drop easier. My mom disagreed with us getting married and was very much taking a stand against it until the very last minute. My dad tried to be more understanding verbally and emotionally, but financially…he immediately cut me off from any allowance, health insurance or any other financial support what so ever. NONe. ZERO. His dad was against it at the beginning (he believes all women are whores, what can I do), but went with it eventually…and he’s been generous with some financial contributions on occasion. His mom was the only one who was happy that he’s getting married, but only so she could brag to her friends and relatives about it :) LOL.

Getting him here was no small task. We did ALL the research ourselves, gathered data from embassy web sites, both Romanian and American, made phone calls, gathered all documents from all the parts of the world, talked to people, read about laws, etc. When we gathered all data, we start working on the forms, by ourselves, and making sure that EVERYTHING that they could possibly ask for would be there…even pictures to prove our relationship, recorded !Yahoo Messenger conversations, photos of us on the web cam :) etc. I remember staying up night after night, filling out forms and starting all over every time we messed up even just one letter…so that everything would be PERFECT. 

With me (And this might be your case too), I needed a “sponsor” because my income could not have been proof of me being able to support an immigrant (i.e. Dorel) in case something went wrong during his stay here. I wasn’t making nearly enough, especially as a student. So my dad agreed to sign as sponsor…he didn’t have to pay anything, but he just said he would if things went wrong. 

At the embassy we were harassed back and forth, with countless visits, with complications..and with big expenses. It cost as over $1,000 just for the papers and visits…not to mention travel. Basically, all the money we collected at the wedding (that people gave us so we can have a honeymoon) went on immigration stuff.

When we finally got here, we felt like it was all worth it, you know? We were so in love…I remember first landing in POrtland and going over by the river to lay in the grass and look at the sky together. The first few mornings we woke up with him in my bed, we simply could not believe it. Seriously, it was a dream come true. We had some money set aside until he could find a job and things seemed to go well. Just two love birds cooking together every day :) riding our bikes to Alton Baker Park to watch the sunset from the bridge over the river, making candle lit, wine dinners on the floor of my bedroom every night almost…or drinking with my friends. 

but when money started running out, we started getting really stressed out. it’s really hard, especially for a man, not to be able to provide for his family, you know? Then we got jobs, things started getting better, we were able to move by ourselves, get a car, a new computer, laptop, then in the winter we were able to visit Romania…etc.

But for the last 8-9 months or so…I’m not going to lie…things have been really rough. I was fired…then his contract was ended….then I got 3 jobs….then he stop working in May. He hasn’t been able to find a job since. I’ve worked here and there, but nothing too consistent. Now that I’m out of college, I expect to find a significant job and to be able to get financially stable. 

For him, it’s been really hard to adjust to the life here when he can’t integrate in a community such as the work place. The financial insecurity is killing him and hurting our relationship. I try to support him and be understanding and he tries not to take it out on me…but, you know, when you’re with only one other person all the time, you can’t help but take it out on them. I understand him, and I know he loves me, yet at times it’s hard for me to juggle with so many roles…lover, friend, mother, counselor, etc. while at the same time trying to find a job.

So what should you take away from all this?
Well, do you have a realistic plan for when she is going to come here? It sounds like she would like to go to school. Why do you say that you have to burry yourselves in loans? I’m sure she can get some scholarships, especially if she is really bright (I got the impression she is :)). That might ease or even take care completely of the cost of her school. If you also mary her, she is going to be allowed to work. Now, at the beginning, the job offers will be anything but good (unless she gets lucky) and she needs to know that she might just be working at a coffee shop or in a store. But she is still young and that shouldn’t bother her for now, right? I hope, although I know it’s hard.
As for you, are you going to go to Law school right away, or try to save some money first? Either way, I hope you try beyond your hardest to get scholarships—please do not get into debt :)

Is your dad going to help you financially? What are your parents saying about this? I know parents can sound harsh, but there’s always something to take away from what they’re saying, even if it kills you to believe that. :)

what would things look like if you didn’t get married right away? I know it hurts to even think about that perspective…but sometimes, if you were really meant to be with someone, that love might outlast time and distance to a certain extent, you know? I mean, you’ve been together about two years now…it’s been hard but you also got to do things that most 20-year-olds don’t get to do…you’ve travelled the world together, you’ve experienced such a great variety of lives together, you’ve enjoyed each other…and since both of your parents supported you individually, you were able to do what college students do…which is have fun and be in love :) and not have to be adults who worry about making a living and paying bills. 

There is no set prescription for success in this case, but know that when you go against the normal set of things, you’re taking great chances and sometimes upsetting the gods. :) so be careful.

One last question…are you saying that if you go to Nicaragua for her to finish school, you would have a problem with “twiddling your thumbs” in case you can’t make a living, but yet…you’re hoping she won’t have a problem doing that here while you go to Grad school? :) clarify please, so i can know what you mean. 

and I’m saying that to make a strong point, probably the best tonight: It’s not really about the “getting married” part that might ruin your love…it’s about giving things up. If there isn’t a balance between what you give up and what she gives up, at all times, then your whole universe is out of balance and things can not be right. Does that make sense?

Peace.
Sabina

Letter from Him to Friend.

(My life is complicated at the moment)

Hey sab, 

quick question: if you could answer honestly, i promise nothing you say would get out to open ears. Very simply, I was wondering if you ever regret getting married to bring Dorel to the states? Do you think you acted hastily? Do you ever wish you had done things differently? Im finding myself in a similar situation rgiht now, and I was hoping for a bit of counsel. Nicaragua is great, youd love it down here. Hope all is well with you. Take care, and give my best to dorel =P

-Him

 

***********

 

Hey —,

Well, it may be said about me that I acted “hastily” because we decided to get married about a month into our relationship, after he had proposed 2 weeks into our relationship. So, yes, that is hastily. But you’ve been together with this girl for…how long now? It must be way over a year, right?

My best advice for you would be to LIVE TOGETHER first (unless you have done that), whether in the States, in France or in Nicaragua. And I don’t mean like temporarily…as in, living together when you’re visiting Nicaragua or when she is visiting the US or when you’re temporarily living in France to teach. I mean…move in together and start making a living for yourselves, without having to be supported by anyone and see: what’s it like taking care of each other and of yourselves in such an environment? how does it work out from month to month with paying the bills (as I said, without anyone’s support), cleaning, cooking, fixing things? What’s it like when the unexpected arises and you guys have to deal with a crisis? what’s it like when something that you like to do gets on her nerves and vice-versa? what’s it like when one of your hobby is the other person’s nightmare? what’s it like when one of you has to go somewhere and be away for a while? what’s it like when you disagree and you strongly believe you are right? what’s it like when friends or family of hers come over that are not on your list of favorite people? and last but not least, how does your sexual relationship change once you live together? :)

ETC ETC ETC

you might think that you have the answers to all these questions, but I would like to point out that until you have lived together for real, you cannot know what a partnership will really be like. You can have all the love in the world and all the good heart you can have…if you do not have compatibility and mutual understanding, it will all go to waste. Unfortunately, although it is said to believe that love isn’t enough, it really takes more to keep a relationship going.

In general (and THIS is really important, because I was told this and I didn’t listen to the people who told me), it is better not to get married because you HAVE TO. If your situation is anything like mine, you have to get married so she can come here and be with you. Otherwise, you guys don’t have a chance at being together long-term. While this is indeed a reason to get married, especially when your heart aches for your loved one, it is not sufficient SOMETIMES. It may not be your case, but I’m just saying. It would be good to find a middle ground so you wouldn’t get married because you have to. If you could at least live together for a while, under the conditions that I mentioned above, and see what you guys would be like in a partnership such as marriage, then you might have a better idea whether you should get married or not.

It’s good to keep in mind that in a marriage, and in life in general, things will not always be as fun, adventurous, light-hearted, spontaneous, and ecstatic as they are when you are traveling and having little worries. I’m not saying you don’t have worries, I’m just saying …once you settle down all kinds of things come up that you weren’t aware before …and these things can really turn your world upside-down sometimes.

But you know what’s best for you and you may already have the answers to the questions I asked from your experience. I don’t mean to sound crude, I’m just giving you an idea of the crude reality that is out there. :) It’s good to be aware because it helps you prevent bad things from happening, you know? I am happy for you to have someone with whom you’re considering spending the rest of your life and I wish both of you the best. Marriage can be a wonderful thing if there is compatibility and if both of you can learn to give up a little of yourself in order to make room for more of the other person’s self. :) 

This being said, if you DO get married, I better be invited :) I don’t care if it’s in Nicaragua, France or over here :)

All the best to both of you (she seems like a hell of a girl! I loved her!)….please let me know if you have questions ;)

Sabina

Back in Nica (after a short stint in Miami)

Those 5 nights in Miami were definitely too short. I could have stayed longer enjoying more beach, more sun, more beer, more fun. Sisco as usual was a great host, Sophia is awesome, and Slu was…well Slu. We had some conflicts with her since she was the fifth wheel and her boyfriend was back home, but overall it was pretty awesome. Way cool to have had a group reunion a year after we all left France. 

Now I’m back home in Nicaragua with Him. It feels strange, being back after 9 months of having been in mostly France. Strange in an eerily familiar way. Eerie might sound out of place in this context since I lived here for 17 years of my life, but having spent most of the last three years out of the motherland does strange things to a person. 

First of all there are the little things. It’s always a strange feeling when you leave a place and usually, in my experience, the things you expect to not change have and vice versa. My circle of friends now changes constantly depending on who comes back for the summer, who doesn’t, and who has stayed and made new friends. Some streets change, some buildings change or disappear or appear. Home is familiar but it isn’t, and people have been living their lives without you and forming new memories that don’t include you. So even though your memories form a still life of the place you  left, the experiences people have had without you will make it so it can never truly be the same again. 

Then there are the big things. 

I hadn’t touched a car in 9 months. Had a couple of very minor slip ups that didn’t really mean anything, and then it happened. I left the car lights on when we went to the mall to watch a movie/grab a beer and five hours later when we came out (Him, my best friend and I), the battery was obviously dead. so I had no choice to call my father. 

“Melissa, siempre todo es un desastre con vos.”

Jesus. I think it’s a bit of an exageration to say that with me everything is a disaster. Yeah, I fuck up. But you know what? Everyone does. I had started to get along with my parents, I had started to have better communication, to try and be more patient, less temperamental. But this incident reminded me of one of the reasons why there is so much conflict between us. Yes, it is true, I was the first one to fuck up by having left the car lights on. But it was an honest mistake, and a fairly easy one to fix. All he had to do was come with the car (it wasn’t even that late it was 9 pm) and some jumper cables, hook up his car battery to mine, jump start it, and leave. 

Instead, he came first WITHOUT jumper cables to verify that the battery was dead even though I had already told him so over the phone. then, he came back with a random man (I still have no idea who it was and doubt I’ll ever ask) who brought the ghettoest cables ever. They looked like the first ever, original, jumper cables made by man. When they didn’t work, he tried to cut the head off and then hook them up again. My dad’s car actually started to have smoke coming out…

This is when my BFF (this for the sake of abbreviations)’s dad came to pick her up, in pj’s because he had been asleep since I was supposed to drop her off. He was the only nice one of all 5 men that it took to jumpstart the car. That is right, 5. Because afterwards my dad left and then came back with working jumper cables and my brother and a guard got in on it too. 

On the whole it took 5 men, 2 sets of jumper cables, and 4 cars to jumpstart the thing. Which is, I think everyone will concur, absolutely ridiculous. It was a real life version of one of the “how many — does it take to change a lightbulb” jokes. 

My dad didn’t once turn to me to talk or say anything. I am much more likely than not going to get one of the huge lectures tomorrow from both parents. Everything in my household is made to be 10 times worse than it should be, every mistake the biggest mistake a person can make. Not only does this diminish the gravity of big mistakes because they’re all big, life-altering mistakes, it’s no freaking wonder I never come to my parents with a problem, that I never feel like I’m free to talk to them. I remember my dad asking me once a long time ago why I don’t feel free to come to him.

Well, dad, even though you always bail me out of stuff and I know I can always call you and you’ll physically be there, it doesn’t feel like you’re emotionally there for me. And when the consequences I have to deal with are way out of proportion with the actual fuck up, most of the time, I’d rather solve it myself without your help, without even letting you know. You and my mother were the ones who taught me that showing any sign of emotion is the biggest mistake a person can make, the biggest weakness a person can have. And even though in the long run I prefer it that way because the rest of the world is a cruel, fuck-you-in-the-ass bitch for the most part, this is what our relationship has come to be because of it. 

I don’t belong in France. But I don’t belong here anymore, either. And it’s a strange feeling, not belonging. Floating around in the world not having a place to fully call one’s own, where you feel fully comfortable. This isn’t home anymore and to be honest it stopped being home a long time ago. It’s home, but it’s not home. I call it home when I’m away, but when I’m back…I remember why I left. And it’s tough, and it makes me feel alone. And moments like these I value him more than ever because he doesn’t belong either. 

I guess I feel that, no matter how much shit has gone down between the both of us (and here in Nica I remember more clearly than before that I really haven’t been a saint at all, far from it, and that he really does have more good qualities than bad, and that we really are good together), if he doesn’t belong anywhere and I don’t belong anywhere, maybe we can at least belong to each other. Because I have a feeling it’s going to be a really long time before I ever feel like I belong somewhere again. Which is something that I’m not sure is even possible. Because even if nica isn’t home anymore, it’ll always be the mesure by which I compare home.

I’m not sure this is going to make any sense, but it doesn’t really feel like I’m the one that’s growing farther apart from Nicaragua, it feels like it’s Nicaragua that’s growing farther apart from me. It keeps pushing me away. I’ll always always have ties here, I’ll always want to come back, I’ll always miss it, I’ll always remember. But the lives of the people here, especially my familia,  have already been settled into a rythm that simply doesn’t include me anymore. 

Last Day in Oregon

We leave Oregon for Miami tomorrow morning; I’m stoked since sisco, sophia and slu are all going to be there. Should be a hella ton of fun. 

Oregon was kind of a rollercoaster of emotions; It’s weird, the last few days have been really hectic since we were moving him out of his appartment and there were lots of family obligations and his dad’s 50th birthday bash and stuff like that but when it comes to us, I think we’re finally getting to get ourselves back. And I’m finally starting to reconcile myself with the fact that he cheated on me (mainly because it’s finally starting to sink in that I cheated on him, and that mine wasn’t just a one night stand, it wasn’t just once, and it wasn’t just with one person).

Wonder when karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass for all this. 

MIAMI TOMORROW NICA ON TUESDAY!

Alone in Oregon

I’m not sure how accurate the title for this post is. He’s here, so I guess technically I’m not alone. However, I still feel lonely. He’s asleep and I’m awake at almost 1 am with no one to talk to, just like in France. Was I a fool to think this was going to change once we were back together? Or did I just expect too much?

The past two days have been pretty fucking amazing (I feel I must give credit where credit is due). Yesterday we spent it all in bed just the two of us minus two outings, one which was just us, another one with a group of his college friends I really like. Today we’ve been alternating between packing and laying in bed cuddling and watching movies (as well as an outing to a chinese resto, which had absolutely amazing food). However, he’s forgotten some promises he made to me while we were long distance and that’s really been getting to me.

They’ve been small promises, to be honest. And he’s been really stressed and busy. I know this and I’ve been trying to be empathetic, I’ve been trying to be understanding and I’ve been trying to be there for him, to help him, and to lighten his load. But I can’t get rid of a nagging feeling that I’ve been nothing more than tagging along, that I’ve even sort of been in the way. Maybe I expected too much, that is true. Maybe I just need to be more patient.

However, I tried to talk to him about it tonight. We were in the middle of watching a movie. And I was still feeling really homesick. I’ve learned that completely trying to hide my feelings always just makes them grow and grow until they just burst from me and the end result is rarely a positive one, if ever. I want to be stronger but I can’t just yet, it’s going to take time. So today I tried the strategy of going to him and just talking about it. Except the result was something I was not expecting. I told him I felt like I was a bit of a burden because he hasn’t kept the promises he made me, and we’ve been running around fulfilling his obligations and that even if I understood and had been trying to help and be there for him, I wanted us to do things that we wanted to do, I wanted him to keep his promises.

“You want to know something? Now you really are a burden. Because now on top of everything I already have to deal with, I have to worry about this too.”

I don’t know much of it is because I expected too much, how much of it is because he hasn’t been keeping to the things he promised me. However, I still don’t feel I deserved that answer. He had a headache and went to sleep. I’ve learned my lesson and know that it’s pointless to try and talk to him more, to bitch, to whine, to complain. Basically, the only thing I can do right now is suck it up and deal with it on my own. It’s been a tough year. He said we’d deal with it in the morning, but things are never the same in the morning. In fact, from my experience, usually when you leave and issue to be discussed in the morning, it rarely even gets discussed at all. All it makes me is be scared of when morning time comes, because now I just know it’s going to be awkard.

I guess the thing is that no matter how much I understand that he’s stressed and busy and I’m on his turf and not mine and he still has a lot of loose ends to tie up, it’s been a really tough year, overall. Tougher than I ever thought it could get. And things won’t get fixed from one day to another. But I still want him to be there to fix them with him, I want him to pay more attention to us, pay more attention to me.

He says that all the reasons I gave him for why I feel like this are selfish. It’s true and I’m not above admitting it, far from it. However, am I in the wrong for that? After having waited, both of us, for nine months in a long distance relationship, am I in the wrong for asking for more attention, for asking him to fulfill the promises he made not too long ago while we weren’t physically together? Those promises were the things that kept me going.

A lot of issues are things that I need to fix myself, I know that. But being here, where I have no friends and I pretty much have no option other than following him around…it makes it so much harder. And I hate myself for it. I wish I was stronger.

I wish I was the way I used to be, the way I once was. Strong, determined, sure of myself. I wish I could go back to the days when it was me agaisnt the world and I was ok with that, because I knew I could do it, and I knew that in the end, not only would I come out the winner, but I’d be all the stronger for it.

Now I’m not so sure.