I’m not sure how accurate the title for this post is. He’s here, so I guess technically I’m not alone. However, I still feel lonely. He’s asleep and I’m awake at almost 1 am with no one to talk to, just like in France. Was I a fool to think this was going to change once we were back together? Or did I just expect too much?
The past two days have been pretty fucking amazing (I feel I must give credit where credit is due). Yesterday we spent it all in bed just the two of us minus two outings, one which was just us, another one with a group of his college friends I really like. Today we’ve been alternating between packing and laying in bed cuddling and watching movies (as well as an outing to a chinese resto, which had absolutely amazing food). However, he’s forgotten some promises he made to me while we were long distance and that’s really been getting to me.
They’ve been small promises, to be honest. And he’s been really stressed and busy. I know this and I’ve been trying to be empathetic, I’ve been trying to be understanding and I’ve been trying to be there for him, to help him, and to lighten his load. But I can’t get rid of a nagging feeling that I’ve been nothing more than tagging along, that I’ve even sort of been in the way. Maybe I expected too much, that is true. Maybe I just need to be more patient.
However, I tried to talk to him about it tonight. We were in the middle of watching a movie. And I was still feeling really homesick. I’ve learned that completely trying to hide my feelings always just makes them grow and grow until they just burst from me and the end result is rarely a positive one, if ever. I want to be stronger but I can’t just yet, it’s going to take time. So today I tried the strategy of going to him and just talking about it. Except the result was something I was not expecting. I told him I felt like I was a bit of a burden because he hasn’t kept the promises he made me, and we’ve been running around fulfilling his obligations and that even if I understood and had been trying to help and be there for him, I wanted us to do things that we wanted to do, I wanted him to keep his promises.
“You want to know something? Now you really are a burden. Because now on top of everything I already have to deal with, I have to worry about this too.”
I don’t know much of it is because I expected too much, how much of it is because he hasn’t been keeping to the things he promised me. However, I still don’t feel I deserved that answer. He had a headache and went to sleep. I’ve learned my lesson and know that it’s pointless to try and talk to him more, to bitch, to whine, to complain. Basically, the only thing I can do right now is suck it up and deal with it on my own. It’s been a tough year. He said we’d deal with it in the morning, but things are never the same in the morning. In fact, from my experience, usually when you leave and issue to be discussed in the morning, it rarely even gets discussed at all. All it makes me is be scared of when morning time comes, because now I just know it’s going to be awkard.
I guess the thing is that no matter how much I understand that he’s stressed and busy and I’m on his turf and not mine and he still has a lot of loose ends to tie up, it’s been a really tough year, overall. Tougher than I ever thought it could get. And things won’t get fixed from one day to another. But I still want him to be there to fix them with him, I want him to pay more attention to us, pay more attention to me.
He says that all the reasons I gave him for why I feel like this are selfish. It’s true and I’m not above admitting it, far from it. However, am I in the wrong for that? After having waited, both of us, for nine months in a long distance relationship, am I in the wrong for asking for more attention, for asking him to fulfill the promises he made not too long ago while we weren’t physically together? Those promises were the things that kept me going.
A lot of issues are things that I need to fix myself, I know that. But being here, where I have no friends and I pretty much have no option other than following him around…it makes it so much harder. And I hate myself for it. I wish I was stronger.
I wish I was the way I used to be, the way I once was. Strong, determined, sure of myself. I wish I could go back to the days when it was me agaisnt the world and I was ok with that, because I knew I could do it, and I knew that in the end, not only would I come out the winner, but I’d be all the stronger for it.
Now I’m not so sure.
