Hey sab,
thank you so much for taking my inquiry seriously. Dont have a whole lot of other people to talk to right now. We were supposed to have another two years together before having to decide all this, but theres a chance her school sitation in France might not work out, so Im trying to figure out our options. Lots of mixed feelings, as im sure you can understand.
You made some real good points. We actually did live together for 6 months back in France. Things were really rough with my host family an I just sorta started living there. We havent had to support ourselves yet, and theres no doubt in my mind that money can make things difficult. A part from that thoough,; living with her was absolutely a blast. Im sure that euphoria fades after a while, and according to my journal from last year it did, but overall it was much more fulfilling than living alone. Our conflict managment is the kind ive only thought possible between guys.
Basically, shes the first girl ive ever been with that is less like keeping a pet with tits and more like having a partenr in life. Being with her has made me realize that every girlfriend ive had in the past has basically been me taking her of care. I didnt know until I met melissa that its nice to be taken care of too, and now that I know what thats like, I dont think I could go back to how things were with the girls of the past.
So i suppose thats enough of the mushy stuff. The thought of marrying her isnt something that has come up out of lust or desperation. Id bet everything I have that well end up together eventually, somewhere down the road. Or at least we def would if long distance isnt involved. I dont know how much long distanceyou had to do with Dorel, but we had/have been long distance for over a year, and at this point it no longer feels like an option. Its so painful and destructive to a relationship, no matter the efforts both parties take. Her parents dont make it any easier either, nor does the fact that she is smart enough to deserve a college education, and if she were to come to the states, we would either have to drown in debt getting her loans or wait until I get out of law school before she starts. Her parents would never support the idea of us getting married just so we could be together, and thus most likely wouldnt support another one of her “crazy” expeditions into foreign countries. What is more, Nicaragua isnt like the states or western europe, where i could quite comfortably make a life doing whatever. Down here, money is tough, if not impossible to come by, and credentials dont count for n early as much as connections and solid networking. Basically; I wouldnt have the mobility needed to make a solid, independent life for us here, and im not sure hoe feasible ti would be to spend 3 years of my life down here, living with her parents while twiddling my thumbs.
Now that its all over and done with, are you till glad you married him? Was it worth it, to get married because you had to versus waiting for a moment that might have been more natural for both of you? I guess im asking you a bunch of questions that are impossible to answer, considering where you are in life is where you are. So instead of asking you something ridiculous like do you wish you were still single, what would you recommend me to do? Is getting married prematurely in order to be together worth it, even if the ensuing life is ultimately harder than if I had found someone a bit “closer to home” ? Am I absolutely crazy for even considering this? I wasnt even supposed to consider marriage until 30. But i dont reckon ill ever find another girl liek this. When Im with her, life is just better. Much muc better. things just make sense, the future doesnt scare me, and for the first time in my entire life, I dont feel alone in the world. I cant help but believe that my mind is in the right place. Perhaps a bit naive, but still true to what I hold dear. I suppose we tell ourselves what we must to make sense of the folly that is life. Hopefully youll be able to understand where im coming from. Im sure you will. thanks for listening sab. Hope all is well =P
******
You are right, long distance is very destructive, or, at the very least, hurtful. Both of us were an absolute wreck when we had to separate. I mean, I’ve been told that I over-dramatize things, but when a 28-year-old man is also breaking down into tears and pieces and banging his head against the wall because he has to let go of me, …or when this person, who right from before he even kissed me told me that he could NEVER do long distance soon found himself moving his bed into his living-room just so he can go to sleep with me (webcam and mic and all) and wake up the same way….then I don’t know how much is just me, the dreamer, overly dramatizing things…and how much is just…how love goes. :)
We went through a bunch of mixed feelings too, and our parents did not make it one drop easier. My mom disagreed with us getting married and was very much taking a stand against it until the very last minute. My dad tried to be more understanding verbally and emotionally, but financially…he immediately cut me off from any allowance, health insurance or any other financial support what so ever. NONe. ZERO. His dad was against it at the beginning (he believes all women are whores, what can I do), but went with it eventually…and he’s been generous with some financial contributions on occasion. His mom was the only one who was happy that he’s getting married, but only so she could brag to her friends and relatives about it :) LOL.
Getting him here was no small task. We did ALL the research ourselves, gathered data from embassy web sites, both Romanian and American, made phone calls, gathered all documents from all the parts of the world, talked to people, read about laws, etc. When we gathered all data, we start working on the forms, by ourselves, and making sure that EVERYTHING that they could possibly ask for would be there…even pictures to prove our relationship, recorded !Yahoo Messenger conversations, photos of us on the web cam :) etc. I remember staying up night after night, filling out forms and starting all over every time we messed up even just one letter…so that everything would be PERFECT.
With me (And this might be your case too), I needed a “sponsor” because my income could not have been proof of me being able to support an immigrant (i.e. Dorel) in case something went wrong during his stay here. I wasn’t making nearly enough, especially as a student. So my dad agreed to sign as sponsor…he didn’t have to pay anything, but he just said he would if things went wrong.
At the embassy we were harassed back and forth, with countless visits, with complications..and with big expenses. It cost as over $1,000 just for the papers and visits…not to mention travel. Basically, all the money we collected at the wedding (that people gave us so we can have a honeymoon) went on immigration stuff.
When we finally got here, we felt like it was all worth it, you know? We were so in love…I remember first landing in POrtland and going over by the river to lay in the grass and look at the sky together. The first few mornings we woke up with him in my bed, we simply could not believe it. Seriously, it was a dream come true. We had some money set aside until he could find a job and things seemed to go well. Just two love birds cooking together every day :) riding our bikes to Alton Baker Park to watch the sunset from the bridge over the river, making candle lit, wine dinners on the floor of my bedroom every night almost…or drinking with my friends.
but when money started running out, we started getting really stressed out. it’s really hard, especially for a man, not to be able to provide for his family, you know? Then we got jobs, things started getting better, we were able to move by ourselves, get a car, a new computer, laptop, then in the winter we were able to visit Romania…etc.
But for the last 8-9 months or so…I’m not going to lie…things have been really rough. I was fired…then his contract was ended….then I got 3 jobs….then he stop working in May. He hasn’t been able to find a job since. I’ve worked here and there, but nothing too consistent. Now that I’m out of college, I expect to find a significant job and to be able to get financially stable.
For him, it’s been really hard to adjust to the life here when he can’t integrate in a community such as the work place. The financial insecurity is killing him and hurting our relationship. I try to support him and be understanding and he tries not to take it out on me…but, you know, when you’re with only one other person all the time, you can’t help but take it out on them. I understand him, and I know he loves me, yet at times it’s hard for me to juggle with so many roles…lover, friend, mother, counselor, etc. while at the same time trying to find a job.
So what should you take away from all this?
Well, do you have a realistic plan for when she is going to come here? It sounds like she would like to go to school. Why do you say that you have to burry yourselves in loans? I’m sure she can get some scholarships, especially if she is really bright (I got the impression she is :)). That might ease or even take care completely of the cost of her school. If you also mary her, she is going to be allowed to work. Now, at the beginning, the job offers will be anything but good (unless she gets lucky) and she needs to know that she might just be working at a coffee shop or in a store. But she is still young and that shouldn’t bother her for now, right? I hope, although I know it’s hard.
As for you, are you going to go to Law school right away, or try to save some money first? Either way, I hope you try beyond your hardest to get scholarships—please do not get into debt :)
Is your dad going to help you financially? What are your parents saying about this? I know parents can sound harsh, but there’s always something to take away from what they’re saying, even if it kills you to believe that. :)
what would things look like if you didn’t get married right away? I know it hurts to even think about that perspective…but sometimes, if you were really meant to be with someone, that love might outlast time and distance to a certain extent, you know? I mean, you’ve been together about two years now…it’s been hard but you also got to do things that most 20-year-olds don’t get to do…you’ve travelled the world together, you’ve experienced such a great variety of lives together, you’ve enjoyed each other…and since both of your parents supported you individually, you were able to do what college students do…which is have fun and be in love :) and not have to be adults who worry about making a living and paying bills.
There is no set prescription for success in this case, but know that when you go against the normal set of things, you’re taking great chances and sometimes upsetting the gods. :) so be careful.
One last question…are you saying that if you go to Nicaragua for her to finish school, you would have a problem with “twiddling your thumbs” in case you can’t make a living, but yet…you’re hoping she won’t have a problem doing that here while you go to Grad school? :) clarify please, so i can know what you mean.
and I’m saying that to make a strong point, probably the best tonight: It’s not really about the “getting married” part that might ruin your love…it’s about giving things up. If there isn’t a balance between what you give up and what she gives up, at all times, then your whole universe is out of balance and things can not be right. Does that make sense?
Peace.
Sabina
