(My life is complicated at the moment)
Hey sab,
quick question: if you could answer honestly, i promise nothing you say would get out to open ears. Very simply, I was wondering if you ever regret getting married to bring Dorel to the states? Do you think you acted hastily? Do you ever wish you had done things differently? Im finding myself in a similar situation rgiht now, and I was hoping for a bit of counsel. Nicaragua is great, youd love it down here. Hope all is well with you. Take care, and give my best to dorel =P
-Him
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Hey —,
Well, it may be said about me that I acted “hastily” because we decided to get married about a month into our relationship, after he had proposed 2 weeks into our relationship. So, yes, that is hastily. But you’ve been together with this girl for…how long now? It must be way over a year, right?
My best advice for you would be to LIVE TOGETHER first (unless you have done that), whether in the States, in France or in Nicaragua. And I don’t mean like temporarily…as in, living together when you’re visiting Nicaragua or when she is visiting the US or when you’re temporarily living in France to teach. I mean…move in together and start making a living for yourselves, without having to be supported by anyone and see: what’s it like taking care of each other and of yourselves in such an environment? how does it work out from month to month with paying the bills (as I said, without anyone’s support), cleaning, cooking, fixing things? What’s it like when the unexpected arises and you guys have to deal with a crisis? what’s it like when something that you like to do gets on her nerves and vice-versa? what’s it like when one of your hobby is the other person’s nightmare? what’s it like when one of you has to go somewhere and be away for a while? what’s it like when you disagree and you strongly believe you are right? what’s it like when friends or family of hers come over that are not on your list of favorite people? and last but not least, how does your sexual relationship change once you live together? :)
ETC ETC ETC
you might think that you have the answers to all these questions, but I would like to point out that until you have lived together for real, you cannot know what a partnership will really be like. You can have all the love in the world and all the good heart you can have…if you do not have compatibility and mutual understanding, it will all go to waste. Unfortunately, although it is said to believe that love isn’t enough, it really takes more to keep a relationship going.
In general (and THIS is really important, because I was told this and I didn’t listen to the people who told me), it is better not to get married because you HAVE TO. If your situation is anything like mine, you have to get married so she can come here and be with you. Otherwise, you guys don’t have a chance at being together long-term. While this is indeed a reason to get married, especially when your heart aches for your loved one, it is not sufficient SOMETIMES. It may not be your case, but I’m just saying. It would be good to find a middle ground so you wouldn’t get married because you have to. If you could at least live together for a while, under the conditions that I mentioned above, and see what you guys would be like in a partnership such as marriage, then you might have a better idea whether you should get married or not.
It’s good to keep in mind that in a marriage, and in life in general, things will not always be as fun, adventurous, light-hearted, spontaneous, and ecstatic as they are when you are traveling and having little worries. I’m not saying you don’t have worries, I’m just saying …once you settle down all kinds of things come up that you weren’t aware before …and these things can really turn your world upside-down sometimes.
But you know what’s best for you and you may already have the answers to the questions I asked from your experience. I don’t mean to sound crude, I’m just giving you an idea of the crude reality that is out there. :) It’s good to be aware because it helps you prevent bad things from happening, you know? I am happy for you to have someone with whom you’re considering spending the rest of your life and I wish both of you the best. Marriage can be a wonderful thing if there is compatibility and if both of you can learn to give up a little of yourself in order to make room for more of the other person’s self. :)
This being said, if you DO get married, I better be invited :) I don’t care if it’s in Nicaragua, France or over here :)
All the best to both of you (she seems like a hell of a girl! I loved her!)….please let me know if you have questions ;)
Sabina
